Thinking about asthma, thinking about death...

I'm writing because I can not sleep. I am pumped full of Prednisone (a type of steroid) to keep my lungs from going haywire again. Unfortunately, Prednisone gives one insomnia which is great since I was at the E.R. again this morning around 6:15 a.m. Clearly, I could use the sleep. So before I went to the E.R. and as I was trying to get some relief from my nebulizer (a breathing machine) I realized that it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. It felt like my lungs were on fire. It felt like I was breathing through a straw under water. If you don't have asthma I hope you never experience it. If you do I hope some form of albuterol, atrovent, advair, singulair, xolair, or zopanex gives you some relief. If you use the alternative methods like acupuncture or yoga I admire you too. Regardless, I sat there trying to concentrate while I shook from the drugs, shook from my increased heart rate, and while I cried because I was damn scared. I thought I really don't want to die and I had always wished that if I died I would die in my sleep; then the thought came to me that if I die it will be the most likely way that I will go. I'll probably die in my sleep because that's when I usually have problems breathing. So now I have decided I don't want to die in my sleep because it wouldn't be going peacefully.

Anyway, I sat there and I thought there are a lot of things I want to say to people if I do ever die earlier than I want to and unfortunately, I don't have a living will because quite frankly I don't even own anything of large financial significance so most of it will be sentimental. I just want to say some things to the people who are important to me. I need to say these things if anything were to ever happen. Here it goes and they aren't in any particular order of importance:

Kevin Burns, you are the most important person in my life. You have shown me unconditional love, have shown me patience, and understanding. You have renewed my faith that someone can love not because of competition, insecurity, or power. You have illustrated that love is very real and that there are few people who can say that they feel the joy and solace that we feel when we are with each other. Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for taking care of me when I have been at my worst emotionally and physically. Thank you for providing a safe place when I had nightmares. Thank you for that trip down PCH when we ate at that quaint cafe. Thank you for Lake Tahoe, Hawaii, Yosemite. Thank you for taking me to LACMA and giving me the opportunity to see a real Picasso, seeing that art, that vast art where the artist painted with their entire being, on those large canvases was life changing. I couldn't believe I was standing in front of the canvases covering 15 or 30 feet of wall. I just needed to cry. Thank you for the ride down Hana Highway in Maui in that jeep. I haven't been so happy to be with someone. Thank you for the moments on the couch playing video games, playing board games, or just holding each other. I haven't felt so comforted, connected, and loved in my entire life. Some people don't believe this kind of love exists but I hope that everyone gets that opportunity to embrace it. Kev, if I ever leave this place and I'm lucky to find Nirvana, heaven, or to become one with the earth again. I just want you to know that the way we kissed each other, loved each other, touched each other, supported each other was fate. I want you to always continue to embrace life and to enjoy all your various interests. You will never lead a boring life. You will always have a dedication, love, and capacity to make someone happy. I love you and will always love you. I want you to have my painting of the violin, goblet, and candle. I want you to have any of the paintings I didn't give to my family. I want you to have my Prius if it's paid off by the time I die. I want you to have any poetry that is dedicated specifically to you. I want you to have all my photography, all my picture stuff, and I hope that it will remind you of all the fantastic memories we had together. I love you.

Cecile Vera Cruz, a.k.a Polly Pocket, we have known each other since we were in middle school. We've been through so much together and pushed each other to become better human beings. I find your thrist for knowledge to be unrivaled by most anyone I know. I think you are one of the most beautiful, intelligent, and best friends a person can have and I thank you. I want you to have all my ipod stuff and MP3s if I ever have to go and I would like you to have my oil painting of the ant from National Geographic that I painted in art class. I am so glad we had each other to hold when times got difficult, I am so glad that you were there to laugh at my dumb jokes, I am so glad that you were the sister I needed. I love you very much. Hopefully, St. Peter will let me in to the gates or I will find Nirvana but I doubt it because I don't even meditate. Haha, I get too angry to be a good Buddhist. Oh, my fellow "angry asian girl," we finally found some phenomenal love and I hope it continues to grow. If anything ever happens to me I just want you to know that I appreciate all that you have ever done for me. I really do. You are a true amiga.

Myrna Elguezabal, I love you and am so happy we met at that godforsaken place in La Jolla. I could always tell you anything and you would tell me what you thought. I could tell you my concerns whether they were miniscule or some intimate detail of my life, yet you wouldn't judge me. I am so blessed that we got to know each other. Your yearning to find out about other cultures, the Holocaust, music, and everything else was so great to share with you. I can see you blossoming into this amazing person who absorbs so much and really applies it to daily life. You are so fun, gorgeous, lovely, talented, and vivacious. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for enhancing my life. You are awesome!

Dionne Panton, gosh we have been through a lot together. You always understood when I had "man," problems. It seemed like we had one anothers' backs at all times. I do hope that you get to fulfill all your professional dreams because you are one smart lady. I hope that you find a balance, contentment, and joy that will remain in your life for years to come. Your daughters are beautiful and so smart. If anything should ever happen to me I want you to have my India Arie C.D.s. You know how much her music meant to me. The concert we attended was so amazing. I hope the inspiration she sings about will fill your life. I love you chica.

Malissa McLaughlin, we have known eachother since we were little kids, when we would draw or listen to Green Day. I always admired your artistic abilities and hope you will find a great job that will allow you to accomplish all that I know you can someday. No matter how long the periods were that we did not talk we always were able to catch up as if we never stopped talking. I thank you for that comfort and I thank you for your friendship over the years. I love you and your family as if we were blood related. I love you like a real cousin.

Jacklynn Deleon, I know we have had so much happen to us over the years, separately, and together. You are one of the most adventurous, driven, and great people I have had the opportunity to meet. I remember riding around on our bikes as kids gathering all the neighbors' produce and I remember gorging ourselves side by side with our sisters in the "hidden park." I always trusted you with all of darkest secrets since we have been through a lot of challenges. I just want you to know that I really want you to love yourself enough to ask for nothing but the utmost love/respect from those around you. I know we have gone down our different spiritual paths and I'm glad that you have found one that works for you just remember to keep an open-mind about how others practice their spirituality. I want you to know that I love you lots. I am glad we had all those sleep overs through the years and if I ever pass away because of my health issues I want you to have my stamping stuff because you are so freakin' artistic.

To the Appleman Family, thank you for all the support over the years. You really were the best friends a girl could ask for and I really am blessed that I had you when I was at my most depressed. I know that things didn't work out between your son and I. I know that I made a lot of mistakes and that our relationship just wasn't going to be fulfilling for either of us. However, I wish Jer nothing but the best and really hope he finds comfort, joy, love, prosperity, and artistic success someday. I hope he find solace within himself. No, I mean Jeremy I hope you find what you have been seeking over the years. You are one passionate soul who is seeking a place to feel comfortable in this strange world. Yet, I remember that time we sat in your VW looking at the clouds when we lived in Otay Ranch and I just remember the hope from that day. I hope your never lose sight of that hope. Ev, you are a great friend and I always could find a kind ear and such great moments of laughter with you. You are a great scrapbooking buddy. You are a phenomenal girlfriend. Jim, you and I must have been related in another life. You are a great dad. You really try and I know you often play the devil's advocate when it's very difficult. You are a wondeful person. I am glad I had the opportunity to get to know you because you are one of the most entertaining, intelligent, and quirky people I know. Kay, you are amazing. Your strength through all the challenges you have experienced is so admirable and you are really talented. You have a beautiful laugh and I hope that someday you will be in such good health that you can run around the streets screaming, "Applesauce!" I love you like a real sister. Tristan, you know I always loved your fervor and passion. If I needed to have someone to back me up in a fight I would pick you because we both know how it feels to be underestimated because of our size. I love you lots. David and Elizabeth, you are one of the cutest couples I have ever known. I am glad you found eachother. David, thank you for always being a wonderful friend and Elizabeth thank you for giving David such unconditional love. You really changed his life. Ev, if I ever die I want you to have my scrapbooking stuff. I want you to have all that stuff to share with the scrapbooking divas to make phenomenal pages. Give Lupe and Steve my love as they have been such great friends. Steve, you always inspired me with your green thumb and Lupe you inspired me because of your art. Jim, I want you to have my Paul Van Dyk C.D. I know how much you like techno. Thank you.

Chef Orion, I know we haven't know eachother very long but I thank you for the opportunity you gave me to realize my culinary dreams. I admire your artistic and technical talents. You are a very smart man who isn't afraid to grow and I wish you the best in finding a balance in your life as I know how stressful it is in the kitchen. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for understanding that I was passionate about my culinary aspirations. I just can't thank you enough.

Candyce O'Hara, you are one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known. I am so happy you were in my life. I loved your appreciation for mother earth, all things spiritual, Johnny Depp, and U2. I want you to have any of my U2 C.D.s. I am sure you already have them but hey you can keep one copy in the house and one copy in the car. Thank you for all the comfort and hospitality you bestowed on Kevin and I. Mr. O'Hara thank you for all the great game nights. Thank you for bringing me into that fantastic group of people and making feel at home.

To Dr. Wallace, Dr. Salt, Kara, Lisa, and Norma. Thank you for all care you have given me over the years. Thank you for fighting with me against my allergies and my asthma attacks. Thank you for trying to find the best methods to bring me relief. Your tireless efforts are very appreciated. Thank you so much.

Rich Howard, thank you for being such an amazing friend. You were always such a great listener and so genuine. There aren't many people like you out in the world. I hope you get to be that unbelievable nurse that you will be someday. Thank you for caring.

Lastly to my family, Dad you are one hard working guy. I know you work hard but I wish you would take it easy more often. I want you to be around if Tina or Veronica have kids someday. Also, I haven't seen you pick up a good book in years so I think you should start reading again. I've got a large collections of books spanning various topics and I think you would find many of them very intriguing. Regardless, thank you for taking me under your wing when I was a baby. Thank you for loving me, making me laugh, giving me back scratches, taking us camping, and thank you for being a good dad. I really hope that your family's health history and sleep apneia improve. I don't think the family wants to lose another person to heart disease. I love you dad. I want you to be around for a long time. However, if I am not I want you to have my contour sketch drawings when I was doing fashion design, I was really proud of those and I think they would make you proud too. I also want you to have my water color paintings, and my chinese brush paintings. I also want you to have my Coldplay, Police, and Radiohead C.D.s. Mom, I love you and am grateful that I got my painting, cooking, drawing, and singing ablilities from you. I know if you had the opportunity to have finished school you would have taken the world by storm. If I die I want you to have all my kitchen gadgets, my Cuisineart Food Processor, my Kitchen Aid professional mixer, my Global knives, my Ken Shun knife, my herbs, my spices, my steamer, my pots, and all my other tools. Just make sure to ask Kev which ones were his because believe or not he did have some cooking supplies before I moved in to the house. Veronica, hey sis. I love you and I know we are two very different personalities but I know that we grew up to be very amazing people. I want you to know that I always loved that you could make us laugh and that you had the uncanny ablility to impersonate anyone you saw on t.v. I am glad that you are such an accomplished dental hygenist and hope that you and Luis have a wonderful life together. He really is the guy for you. I am glad you found one another. I want you to have all my D.V.D.s. I don't have many but the ones I have are really entertaining and good. I want you to have the painting of the forest fire in Siberia. Tina, my sweet sister. I thank you for all the support you have provided. We always seemed to understand eachother when we needed to be alone. When we needed to get away from the craziness of our family. I love you. I am so glad we got to get to know each other as adults. You are such a gifted person with so much to give. However, I don't want you to work too hard because you are going to exhaust yourself. I am glad that Tobias and you have eachother to lean on. I am glad he makes you feel safe. I want you to have all my oil paints, the violin, and all my bath and body products. I also want you to have my poetry books. If you do find any that are dedicated to Kevin please give him the original. Otherwise, I know you will appreciate my angst, my anger, my love, my passion, and I hope it inspires you to write too. I also want you to have all my Chet Baker, Ella Fitzgerald, and Michael Buble C.D.s. I know you will appreciate them. Ceci, thank you for listening to me and being a fantastic aunt when I was little. You always took me on these great drives, hikes, and other adventures. You really molded my outlook on nature. I hope that you find serenity some day and that the love you have found will become healthier, positive, and increasingly better. All relationships need improvement andI now how much you love Mike. Mike, thanks for making my aunt happy. Remember, you have to take care of yourself before you can give of yourself. Alex, I love you and have always felt like you were the brother I never had. I think you are one of the smartest kids I ever got to see grow up and I wish the the best success when you decide to be a certified auto mechanic. You always were interested in how things worked and I know you will do well in anything you put your energy into and I am hoping that you will continue to grow. I hope you and your mom will continue to improve your relationship and I want you to have any of my books on humor. I always loved seeing you laugh. You can get my book by Big Foot (yes Big Foot), my America book by Jon Stewart, and my other book by Jon Stewart. Stay informed and always try to question everything. The media doesn't always give you all the information you need. I think you are capable of making sound decisions. Ceci, I want you to have any of my picture frames and figurines. I don't have many but the ones I have are nice.

So I wrote this only if something happens to me. If for some reason I am in a coma for more than three months I don't want to be on life support after that time. I would like organs to be donated and everything else to be cremated. I would like my ashes spread at the Golden Gate Bridge. Also, if there is some kind of memorial, I want the Peter Gabriel song "I Grieve," to be played, the Death Cab for Cutie songs, "I Will Follow You Into the Dark and Soul Meets Body" played, The Postal Service Song, "Be Still My Heart," India Arie's song, "Nature," for Kevin, Sarah McLachlin's song, "In the Arms of an Angel," and U2's "A Beautiful Day and Walk On." I want the memorial outside with no religious figures please, no priests, no Catholic ceremony and on that day I want a Daoist poem to be read and I would like orchids to decorate the memorial. Most importantly, I want everyone to eat very well that day and celebrate my passion for life. I love you all and will always love you. Thank you Mr. Zerkich, Mrs. Hanzlik a.k.a Mrs. Schmidt, Mr. Vitous, Mrs. Fletcher, Mr. Campbell, Professor Denise Richards, Mr. Kurth, and Mr. Cunningham for inspiring me. Thank you Thomas Duncan, Joe Green, Cathy Burgess, Bill Trost, Harvey Burgess, the entire C3 crew, Morgan Zunino, Becky Marcano, Janet Glasco, and Soudabeh Sarkar- Housseini for being such great friends over the years. I wish you all the best of hope, love, and peace.